May/June

With a brand new month already in motion, I feel a certain sense of obligation to post. It's been a while my little duckies. I know you probably haven't missed me, so I'll skip all the mooshey stuff and delve right into some recent events.

Oh, before i get any further ahead of myself then I already am, my usage of the word "mooshey" is most definitely incorrect. According to my wonderful mac I should have spelled it like so:

"Mushey" or

"moos hey" or even

"moos-hey"

None of these sound proper once spoken out loud, therefore I will spare you all the great and vast amount of trouble by spelling it how it sounds. Very much unlike "Wednesday." What the hell is the correct response to that spelling.

You will all have to excuse me. It is almost 3 am and I'm very tired but my body seems to reject the ludicrous notion of sleep.

Recently, I've gone camping, to the beach and a Yankees game. All three being very, very unkind places to the living in case of a Zombie outbreak.

I had a great time camping. Drinking, eating, drinking, eating, smores or "smorfs" as my dad calls them (for no particular reason). However, we would have all been largely screwed in case of a zombie outbreak. We had no means of long term provisions or satisfactory weaponry. To be honest, although I had fun I could not help but look over my shoulder in a paranoid fear every so often. Matt (my dad's best friend or "bitch" as he refers to him) did have a chainsaw. He told me he was prepared for the Zombies and I believed him. My father on the other hand, half going along with me honestly and half thinking I'm out of my mind for believing in such nonsense said that we'll just throw them in the fire. Now, the fires my father makes are no ordinary camp fires. Once a kid happened to fall in the fire and he was in the burn unit for six months. The fires are huge bon fires that just so happen to set everything around it on fire. To this, my father always says, "Fuck Smokey the Bear." Quite right father. When you are in a federa. prison for burning down an entire forest my first thought will be, "Yes, he cant get you alright!" Jeez. Besides. Zombies are flammable. Setting them on fire in no strict perimeter is a very idiotic notion. They'll justt chase you on fire. If you want to burn them make sure they're in a trap or something of that sort (Refer to Pride Prejudice and Zombies).

My trip to the beach was also very enjoyable. Apart from getting burned, getting a small stomach bug that appeared a few days later, and almost losing my best friend to mighty Neptune it was a very good day.I went with a small contingent of friends and we laid out and enjoyed the sun. The water was too cold so we decided not to venture anywhere near it. Of course, my best friend Lynn* just happens to be that one friend who always "has to be one with nature." She's very much into astrology and the greek gods and all sorts of faiths and religions. I admire her for her vast amount of depth in all of these topics. Its very interesting and I like listening to her talk about it. (Beware of this runon. It is very necessary though.) However I don't enjoy falling asleep on my stomach with my head in "Atonement," waking up a few hours later as Gregor Samson *Lobster Version* to find that my best friend in the whole wide world decided that it was a good idea to go swimming by herself, swim *with* the wave like she's a fucking dolphin and end up so far from the sand that she can't see it anymore. To top it all off Lynn* also got a cramp once realizing all this. She started screaming for help and eventually someone came to her rescue. Later she tells me that Neptune was calling her into the ocean. My advice to her was: "Dont do that, you crazy fucking bitch." Honestly, this chick is seduced by more freaking Greek gods then I am bill collectors. (More than five times a day they call me, every time with a new line. No, I will not pay you.) Anyways back to Zombies. So, my biggest fear after all this was the fact that although she may have been seduced by Neptune into the ocean, it is generally not a good idea to go into water upon the outbreak of zombies. Of course we would have found out when her body parts drift back to shore followed by hordes of the undead (far too late). (Refer to Max Brooks, "Recorded Attacks")

This week was the Yankee game, with my dad, his bitch, my sister and I. Yet again, I had a great time and before getting to the stadium I was ecstatic. It did dawn on my large, pondering brain the previous night that one of the worst places to be during a break out would probably be where I would be heading the next morning. Maybe the excitement was just for the possibility of zombies. I guess I'll never know. With no weaponry and only enough provisions for a tailgate party, there is no way I, nor any of my company would have been able to survive an outbreak that day. The Yankees killed it though. (Yes, that was a pun. Laugh.)

With the end of May, officially "Zombie Awareness Month," I thought it was of the utmost importance to share this with all of you out there. If your'e reading this, yes. My Facebook statuses for the month of May have been all linked to this special spot of May. Yet, as a wise chap once pointed out - "Every month is Zombie Awareness Month." Well said sir, well said.